(this is a fictional work of imagination – with apologies to “The Troggs Tapes”)
Ritchie’s partner at the time: Ritchie, there’s Jimmy Page on the phone for you.
Ritchie: Oh yeah? (takes telephone) Alright, Jimmy? What’s goin’ on?
Jimmy: Sutch. Fucking Sutch is what’s goin’ on.
Ritchie: What about him?
Jimmy: You remember that drunk jam session last year?
Ritchie: Sort of.
Jimmy: He’s only gone and put it out, hasn’t he? With your name and mine all over the cover, on MY fucking label!
Ritchie: WHAT??? He can’t do that!
Jimmy: He’s done it. I never even heard it and it’s OUT!
Ritchie: How the fuck? Who did…? (long pause) What’s Grant say?
Jimmy: I haven’t told him yet. I’m too scared to call him.
Ritchie: You don’t think Grant did it? As a joke?
Jimmy: I kinda hope he did. That would mean he wouldn’t want to kill people.
Ritchie: Shit… Have you ‘eard it?
Jimmy: Yeah.
Ritchie: And?
Jimmy: You don’t wanna hear it.
Ritchie: (exploding) Fucking hell! Sutch! What a cunt!
Jimmy: It’s the worst, Ritchie. The worst record. There are no songs. There’s nothing there. Just that nutter ranting like a maniac about flashing lights and God knows what.
Ritchie: I wanna hear it now! Have you got a copy?
Jimmy: I gave it to Bonzo. HE loves it…
Ritchie: Tell you what. I’ll call the office. Get someone to pick one up from HMV’s.
Jimmy: Get two and bring me one, would ya? I’m too embarrassed to ask for one.
Ritchie: Oh, it’s alright for me then?
Jimmy: Oh bollocks, you know what I mean.
Ritchie: (sarcastic) Yeah, I know what you mean. (pause) Who else is on it? I can’t even remember.
Jimmy: I can’t remember either! You, me, Bonzo, Jonesy was there but he kept his head down. Mitch, I think, Noel bleedin’ Redding.
Ritchie: hahaha! Oh God… What are we going to do?
Jimmy: It’s out! It’s gone. It’s out there. Major distribution. It’s going to be in the charts. Don’t even talk about money. Sutch got hold of the tapes and got someone to get Atlantic to put it out off the back of Zeppelin. We can get lawyers on it, I s’pose. Try and get it pulled.
Ritchie: Is it gonna make Zeppelin look bad? haha! I think I like it!
Jimmy: And you, you bastard. Purple fans are gonna buy it too.
Ritchie: Purple fans are smarter than Zeppelin fans.
Jimmy: Fuck off. Get the records and come round and listen to it with me. I’ve got some nice wine. What you up to tonight?
Ritchie: (sarcastic) I’m at your service, Jimmy.
Jimmy: hahah! (pause) Sutch, eh? Mad cunt.
Ritchie: Did you ever tour with him?
Jimmy: Nah.
Ritchie: I did. Loads. I could tell you stuff about Sutch…
Jimmy: Come round, man. Really.
Ritchie: Alright. I’ll see you later.
Jimmy: Later.
(click)